No point in lying
I miss you
But the missing is not as you think it is
I miss the you from the beginning
The optimistic you
The hopeful you
The supportive you
The you that loved me before you actually got to know me

What I don’t miss is
The fighting
The name calling
The misunderstanding
The lack of empathy
The despair
The lost connections
The empty ‘I love yous’
The forced engagement
The courtesy texts
The obligation
The irritation
The unresponsive gestures
The selfishness
The you that told me I was a bigger challenge than you thought
The you that told me to ‘fuck off’
The you that said I was ‘just a whore around here’

You said I tricked you
That I was dishonest
However, you forget that I was the one that granted a second chance
I shut you out
And then decided to let you back in
As I worked on myself for the betterment of our relationship
With therapy
With research
You sat back still blaming me for all the problems gone wrong
Still telling me I didn’t understand
Even your ‘last grasp’ at an apology had an expiration date
Not even lasting 24 hours before you decided to take it back
At that point
I just laughed

As you typed out the phrase ‘I have no resentment’
You must have been just beaming
With anger
Immaturity
And none other than an over flowing pitcher of resentment
Resent yourself
Because I love you but you didn’t understand how I loved you
Overwhelmed, you pushed me away
Forgot how to speak
Then, when the voice returned, it returned in rage
Returned without thoughtfulness
Without care
Without being self aware
You leaned in
Said ‘I don’t mean to be a dick’
You aren’t stupid, you meant exactly that

I knew then
Your second chance was done
So I left you
In that bar
The day before Christmas Eve