Last Night

Last night
I had a nightmare
You were there
Held me tight
Whispered softly over and over
“It’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok.”
I fell in love with you
From beginning to end, again
I nuzzled closer
Smelled your familiar scent
And drifted right back to sleep

I’m enjoying you
For whatever this is
One day at a time

Tonight I had another nightmare
And I have never missed you so much
Come again soon

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Timing

It’s happening again
That lower than low kind of low
The sinking inside myself
The thoughts that create a gaping hole
The well inside that is no longer a producer of water
Just a dry empty, useless well

I wonder if that’s how Mary Magdalene felt
As she filled her buckets
And then along comes Jesus

An empty hole
Sitting/standing
(who really knows)
In front of the Holy

What a lucky damn whore

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Numb

Pain
And then
Nothing

Hurt
And then
Tears

Disposed
And then
Replaced

Numb

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Sleep

You must be sleeping
I miss watching you sleep
Sounds so creepy
But it gave me peace

I would softly caress your face
Gently pull back loose strands of hair
While you lightly snored
While you breathed in air

It never bothered me to wake
Before you
Because this time was short
And I knew

These moments were fleeting
So I cherished
The you you were
While you slept
And I stared

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In the Kindest Way

Freedom is a lovely feeling
To not have to look back
To move through people
As if
Each was the last

Loyalty is nothing if not given in return

How can I let go?
When I’m still so much in love
How the pain sears the edges of my heart
You want me to “Holla” for you
And all I can muster is
A howl at the moon filled with a throbbing ache

I’m licking my wounds
There are so many
Scars left by you
Accompanied by
Fresh lacerations

I did not want to prepared for this
And now I must find a new home
Again
To curl into

It’s cold out here
As I think of you sweating with another
Licking another
Cumming with another
Piercing each memory I have ever shared with you

Enjoy your fuck
In the kindest way
And in the most sarcastic way

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The Before You

I’m less excited
For your visit

This makes me sad

I can’t imagine that you don’t see a shift
You always noticed that shit
And I hated you for it
You continually say “miss you”
But I will not return the phrase

I don’t miss you
Not the now you
However
I do miss the you before the now you
The you that saw me

And now you only see
What I choose to show you. 

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Say When

We both knew it would happen
It was just a matter of when
That when
Was last night
You want me to be proud for you
Excited even
I am neither

Feed your need
Because I cannot

And now
I will not

Why does it affect me so?
A heavy and now
Broken heart.

I want to vomit.
I want to cut.
I want to go deep into a well and never rise

Just another one of my past concubines

I must un-invest
The time spent on you has expired

Good luck
I truly wish you the best

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Band Aid

The words always flood in
When happiness is furtherest away
I am literally aching
For you
And I cannot reach you
I listen as you satisfy others
And my sorrow roars
My loins throb
My stomach turns
And I want to retch
Nothing comes up
So I dry heave until my throat is raw

Raw

Seems so long ago
My throat ran raw
From engulfing you too deep
And now this is someone else’s fate
While I observe from the sidelines
Pretending I am joyous for you

Too fast
Too soon
You ripped the bandaid off
Before the bleeding stopped
And now the box is empty

So I sit here
Benched
Watching as you move on
With the next play
No paramedics
No first aid
And I bleed
As you score one more for the home team

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March 11, 2020:

Plan B
Second rate
The backseat
An after thought

The Last Resort

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Beauty in a Blade

*Disclaimer: cutting is a serious health issue. Please, if you or someone you know is cutting contact your health care providers and/or the suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255 for help.
Take care of yourself and the ones you love.

I cut because of you
And yes
I felt alive
Versus the corpse I felt like in your presence
It was heaven compared to the poisonous words you would spew
I was silenced
Ignored
Blamed
And the blade was judgeless
Present
And honest
You hurt
Then apologized for it later
Then do the same thing again
The blade was repetitive but that was expected
It never disappointed
Because when you disappointed
I just returned to my reliable blade
The shining silver
Wanting me
Welcoming me
Always ready
Sharp and respectful
Our contact melded
Silver and red
Not once or twice
But as many times as I desired
Finally
I was in control to make all the decisions
Where and when
And the blade was always compliant
Purely accommodating
Never cross with me
The blade understood my sensitive nature
We took it slow
Let me warm up to it
And I returned the favor
With a lovely, rich, blushing rouge
It was truly love at first cut

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