The LEEP

I don’t need you
And you don’t need me
What does a relationship like that look like?
One where no one is needed but wanted

That day, however, I did need you
Mentally
Emotionally
Physically
I was waiting for you to make a wrong move
I actually expected it
Like I do with all things because I look for the bad before I can see the good
From the moment I woke you were there
Present
Attentive
With every move calculated toward calming me
Because I was on the edge
And you knew it
You blasted the music
And a dance party ensued
Allowing me to listen and hear sounds from your past and mine

The minutes ticked by and the surgical time was approaching
Not once did you leave my side
Just like you said
Everything you said you would do
You did
Each moment was ours
And you pushed me through one of the hardest experiences of my life
A piece of my cervix left me that day
But you filled and over filled my missing parts
My fear was engulfed in your love
Side by side
Before
During
After
Where I once felt broken I can now heal
I’m forever thankful

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Nightmare

It was happening to you
But I was feeling the pain
Blood everywhere
Flesh in your chest blown wide open
Eye contact locked
You screaming “Heather, it hurts!”
Staring
Stunned
I stooped next to you pressing my hands into a hole that was way too big to cover
The more I pressed the more I felt
We were one person
Experiencing two halves of the same shot
Both helpless
I would never leave you in this state
And you couldn’t leave me in this state
Both stuck in place
A nightmare on repeat
A picture perfect catch .22

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To The Night

I’m scared to ask
(for it’s after the fact)
So instead I lean on the conversation
Of poetic obscurity
A faint memory exists in the depths of my brain
A place where the perception may almost
Stand in as a dream
Answer me this:
Lie or truth?
Dancing with electric presence
Liquid courage forcing bravery
The mood matching the rhythm in our legs.
To the tone of perfection
We spoke
Faces close
NOT sexual
We laughed
Forgetting what was said
Then that kiss
Only for a moment
In the highlight of the night
A lip lock
Carrying no weight, no expectation
A rare enforcement of friendship
Lips understanding
What the mind cannot comprehend
An act punching through the seam dividing
The unconscious and the reality
So I ask again
For my own sanity
Was this a lie or a truth?

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Question:

How do I meet people that will lead me to you?
Two years ago
The idea of you arose in my mind
I grappled with the acceptance of your presence materializing
Your spirit hovered over me
As an irritant
And I pushed it away with disdain
The materialization of you would have disrupted
The ‘good life’ I was living
However, that was then
This is now
Time changes people
And even I fall victim to time’s power
Once again
I find you at the front of my everyday thinking
So much so that I named you
Pistis Sophia

The physicality of you is unclear
But the essence of you is undeniably near
I don’t know if you are looking for me
Or if I am even a minimal thought in the vast expanse of your mind
Most likely not
Just know
Wherever you are
Whatever you are doing
I’m waiting
With eyes gazing
And heart free

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What’s Missing?

What’s missing?
What could you possibly have left unsaid?
Books are still being published under your name
20 plus years after your death
Yet, I believe your mind constantly itches to say more
More vulgarity?
More sexuality?
Or is it something else?
Maybe a thought not dealing with any of the above
Allow me to help you scratch that itch
By molding our two views
One living and one dead
They will never know the difference

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Sometimes, Most Times

Sometimes
Most times
Change is just chance
Stick yourself out there and you come back
Bruised, battered, and broken
But not dead
Never dead
Because even though
Death serves its own beauty upon my head
I’m not done
I’m not finished wrecking this world
With my phrases of discontent

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This is Your Choice

This is your choice
The person you become from here
The crutches you clung to so tightly
Are no longer
Whether you believe it or not
The removal activated because you were/are ready
Prepared in every way accessible
The final test now is how will you choose to survive
To revert is a rejection of your past year’s success
To fight is an attempt at a chance to rise above the torment
But to persevere, to gaze beyond
To never say no
To discover the loopholes
Ultimately, to win
Is the way to thrive
You have grown up
Now grow into the self you always desired
Step up, step out, step into
A dream converted reality

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One Last Time

One last time
Wasn’t the first thought on my mind
More of a desire than it ever was a need
You asked in jest:
“Will you miss ping ping?”
I didn’t laugh
I wanted to cry
To simply miss this would be lying
Always yearning
Always hoping
Because for the first time
I didn’t cheat
Not once
Never have I experienced this side of myself
To love someone so purely
So holistically
Aiding you in breathing (in living) became my focus
Instead of taking your breath away with my sexuality
You succeeding is more significant
Than the relationship we built
Although beautiful in its growth
Our futures stand waiting and ready
Because the perception of love is still just a perception
Drive forward B
Drive will win over everything
You know Buk understood this
His little flame he refused to let die
You possess this same ideal
So go
Move
Conquer

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True Character

Your true character is showing
And it’s ugly
Thick head
Didn’t get your way
So you stomp
Rage
And run away
You ignore
Deceive
Ultimately losing everything
Respect
Credibility
Even empathy
Working so hard to gain
Reverse ground
Because honesty is just too difficult
A weight to up hold
Too bad
So sad

 

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Lady Darkness

Ms Lady Darkness
Your deadly kiss faltered
For it could not carry
The weight of time
You did not predict the thought
Of Lady Philosophy stopping by
She peeled you a part
She revealed your corners of
Rustic despair
She breathed life into catatonic veins
You no longer have reign
On a being who chooses to uncover
Your lies
Bye Bye
You tried

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