Breathe In Red

March 11, 2020:

Plan B
Second rate
The backseat
An after thought

The Last Resort

*Disclaimer: cutting is a serious health issue. Please, if you or someone you know is cutting contact your health care providers and/or the suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255 for help.
Take care of yourself and the ones you love.

I cut because of you
And yes
I felt alive
Versus the corpse I felt like in your presence
It was heaven compared to the poisonous words you would spew
I was silenced
Ignored
Blamed
And the blade was judgeless
Present
And honest
You hurt
Then apologized for it later
Then do the same thing again
The blade was repetitive but that was expected
It never disappointed
Because when you disappointed
I just returned to my reliable blade
The shining silver
Wanting me
Welcoming me
Always ready
Sharp and respectful
Our contact melded
Silver and red
Not once or twice
But as many times as I desired
Finally
I was in control to make all the decisions
Where and when
And the blade was always compliant
Purely accommodating
Never cross with me
The blade understood my sensitive nature
We took it slow
Let me warm up to it
And I returned the favor
With a lovely, rich, blushing rouge
It was truly love at first cut

I kept telling you to
Just love me.
It was the best advice I could give
And the one piece of advice you didn’t take
Just love me!
Just love me!
I would say
Softly
Repetitively
Loudly
Boldly
With no conditions
I buried the phrase in every conversation
Eventually turning it into a phrase you could no longer hear
Just love me
A phrase that is impossible to register with someone who only sees life conditionally
I learned too late
Dumb woman
Open your eyes
Love yourself
Loud
Bold
And on repeat

No point in lying
I miss you
But the missing is not as you think it is
I miss the you from the beginning
The optimistic you
The hopeful you
The supportive you
The you that loved me before you actually got to know me

What I don’t miss is
The fighting
The name calling
The misunderstanding
The lack of empathy
The despair
The lost connections
The empty ‘I love yous’
The forced engagement
The courtesy texts
The obligation
The irritation
The unresponsive gestures
The selfishness
The you that told me I was a bigger challenge than you thought
The you that told me to ‘fuck off’
The you that said I was ‘just a whore around here’

You said I tricked you
That I was dishonest
However, you forget that I was the one that granted a second chance
I shut you out
And then decided to let you back in
As I worked on myself for the betterment of our relationship
With therapy
With research
You sat back still blaming me for all the problems gone wrong
Still telling me I didn’t understand
Even your ‘last grasp’ at an apology had an expiration date
Not even lasting 24 hours before you decided to take it back
At that point
I just laughed

As you typed out the phrase ‘I have no resentment’
You must have been just beaming
With anger
Immaturity
And none other than an over flowing pitcher of resentment
Resent yourself
Because I love you but you didn’t understand how I loved you
Overwhelmed, you pushed me away
Forgot how to speak
Then, when the voice returned, it returned in rage
Returned without thoughtfulness
Without care
Without being self aware
You leaned in
Said ‘I don’t mean to be a dick’
You aren’t stupid, you meant exactly that

I knew then
Your second chance was done
So I left you
In that bar
The day before Christmas Eve

I don’t need you
And you don’t need me
What does a relationship like that look like?
One where no one is needed but wanted

That day, however, I did need you
Mentally
Emotionally
Physically
I was waiting for you to make a wrong move
I actually expected it
Like I do with all things because I look for the bad before I can see the good
From the moment I woke you were there
Present
Attentive
With every move calculated toward calming me
Because I was on the edge
And you knew it
You blasted the music
And a dance party ensued
Allowing me to listen and hear sounds from your past and mine

The minutes ticked by and the surgical time was approaching
Not once did you leave my side
Just like you said
Everything you said you would do
You did
Each moment was ours
And you pushed me through one of the hardest experiences of my life
A piece of my cervix left me that day
But you filled and over filled my missing parts
My fear was engulfed in your love
Side by side
Before
During
After
Where I once felt broken I can now heal
I’m forever thankful

It was happening to you
But I was feeling the pain
Blood everywhere
Flesh in your chest blown wide open
Eye contact locked
You screaming “Heather, it hurts!”
Staring
Stunned
I stooped next to you pressing my hands into a hole that was way too big to cover
The more I pressed the more I felt
We were one person
Experiencing two halves of the same shot
Both helpless
I would never leave you in this state
And you couldn’t leave me in this state
Both stuck in place
A nightmare on repeat
A picture perfect catch .22

I’m scared to ask
(for it’s after the fact)
So instead I lean on the conversation
Of poetic obscurity
A faint memory exists in the depths of my brain
A place where the perception may almost
Stand in as a dream
Answer me this:
Lie or truth?
Dancing with electric presence
Liquid courage forcing bravery
The mood matching the rhythm in our legs.
To the tone of perfection
We spoke
Faces close
NOT sexual
We laughed
Forgetting what was said
Then that kiss
Only for a moment
In the highlight of the night
A lip lock
Carrying no weight, no expectation
A rare enforcement of friendship
Lips understanding
What the mind cannot comprehend
An act punching through the seam dividing
The unconscious and the reality
So I ask again
For my own sanity
Was this a lie or a truth?

How do I meet people that will lead me to you?
Two years ago
The idea of you arose in my mind
I grappled with the acceptance of your presence materializing
Your spirit hovered over me
As an irritant
And I pushed it away with disdain
The materialization of you would have disrupted
The ‘good life’ I was living
However, that was then
This is now
Time changes people
And even I fall victim to time’s power
Once again
I find you at the front of my everyday thinking
So much so that I named you
Pistis Sophia

The physicality of you is unclear
But the essence of you is undeniably near
I don’t know if you are looking for me
Or if I am even a minimal thought in the vast expanse of your mind
Most likely not
Just know
Wherever you are
Whatever you are doing
I’m waiting
With eyes gazing
And heart free

What’s missing?
What could you possibly have left unsaid?
Books are still being published under your name
20 plus years after your death
Yet, I believe your mind constantly itches to say more
More vulgarity?
More sexuality?
Or is it something else?
Maybe a thought not dealing with any of the above
Allow me to help you scratch that itch
By molding our two views
One living and one dead
They will never know the difference

Sometimes
Most times
Change is just chance
Stick yourself out there and you come back
Bruised, battered, and broken
But not dead
Never dead
Because even though
Death serves its own beauty upon my head
I’m not done
I’m not finished wrecking this world
With my phrases of discontent