I Paid 10 Dollars

I paid 10 dollars for a date
Not just any date
My end date
This date ruled my life
I romanticized it
Planned my days upon it
Dreamed about it
This date evolved into my faith
What else was there?
In my mind
My fate was ordered
Until
It wasn’t
The difference
I no longer claim myself
As a host for a death wish
“Write about death
Think about death
Do not become death”
She says
Death, kill the old me
Because I choose a new life
In order to uncover and haunt You
This isn’t a second chance
This is reality
And I’m wide awake

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The Strong Shielded One

The strong shielded one
A pixie warrior
Never leaving the state of resistance
The more pushing
The harder I break
The faster I fall
That concrete wall
Becoming a replayed scene of desire
Love him
Intrigue him
Hook him
I did as You requested
Pull back
This I found myself unable to do
And the fault line crumbled
Beneath my feet
Some would be devastated
Me
I felt relief
Then You offered a second chance
The instructions
The boundaries
The guidelines
As I accepted I knew I would fail
Again
The question was just: When?
I knew it
You knew it
Because in the end
We are all selfish
Two months
That’s all it took
The big picture escaping my thinking
Always has
I see
As far as next week
No further
A cursed perspective
Maybe I could have seen beyond
At least for his sake
My success benefitting millions
But honestly it was too difficult
I did not act like a warrior
I did not show strength
I preferred out
And I seized it
This task asked of me
And failed twice by me
All bets off
What is left?
The only objective
‘Do not hurt him’
Cheese and rice!
Every cuss word in the book
Cannot prevent this
My mind angered
While my heart throbs in conflict

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The Distance Kills Me

The distance kills me
Being in the same room
Burns my skin
Distance/too close
Which one is it?
Mixed singles
Heart one way
Mind reeling in the other
The difference from yesterday
Lies in the fact
That I know what the heart is
The heart yearns to ruin
It’s so good at it
Convincing
Wielding
I hate the feelings you produce
I want to deny you
Yet you keep coming around
Nagging me
Distracting me
Ultimately you just piss me off
you dilute the elements of the mind
And I hate you

I hate you
Again I say nag
Literally exhausting my entire creation
Forcing me to feel falsehoods
Honestly all this just leads to
A not so great fuck
That is all you are truly good for
A conquest
Not love
Because love is a lie
Love is the best fucker of all
If you are naïve enough to fall for it
Good luck
Because love will eat you alive
Turning your mind into trash
It doesn’t care about you
It only wants to destroy you

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Cloudless Days

Cloudless days are my favorite
The clear endless blue abyss
Open for discussion
Unlimited opportunity
The world going on forever
A visual now and beyond
However, your clouded presence
Hinders my view
With an effortless hue
At least for a short time
This intrusion will suffice
Not always white
Not always gray
Your formations are captivating
Day after day
My goal
My directive
Is not to allow you to become a replacement
The previous storm cloud was allsumingly horrific
How dark and dependent I felt
Constantly searching for one ray of sunlight
Just a small sense of blue
Always a tiny bit out of reach
Then in one toranic blast
The heavy pressure loomed elsewhere
And I was left with the after affects
The rubble and the clean up
The moment the last piece of debris was discarded
You collected in my peripheral vision
Close enough for me to notice
Far enough for me not to move away
Intrigue gaining in you cumulus form
Still dark but not creating harm
Pain stricken but not producing destruction
Innocence possessed but not innocent
This accumulation is quite an odd occurrence
Similar to the clouded essence
I feel within
These elements require extensive exploration
The contact is rare and hazardous
Forcing feeling will cause dissipation
An ungraspable ideal
The potential to teach
The potential to learn
Fuck this up now
And all will return

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What Was I Thinking?

My experiences
Even though somewhat sheltered
Far outrange yours

Slap me
Open palm to the side of my face
Go ahead
One unprotected freebie
No wait
Take all five fingers
Preferably your dominant hand
Ball them up in a fist like fashion
Wind back
Arm and fist together now
And punch me
As hard as you can
I would go for the side of my face
The objective is to hurt me
Not you

I’m dumbfounded
How could I even think to compare
My short-lived life
To your full embodied lengthy one

My face hurts

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The Devil’s Witches?

What if the ones closest to us
Are the Devil’s witches?
The very trust we hold dear
Built on a foundation of sand
And it is finally starting to rain
you see
Faithful
Insightful
Dependable
I see
A usurper
An oppressor
A clever little leech
Upon the first meeting
her eyes locked into mine
she sat comfortably suckling
Every ounce of life out of you
A scene not easily forgotten
I ushered in change
Instantly inducing her hatred
I laughed
The beginning only just begun

As I fell
(By my own stupidity)
I felt her watching
Chanting her praise
As I writhed in pain
she rejoiced
Deeming me seized
Then the unexpected second chance arrived
Swooping in
she engaged a deadly counterattack
Costing my copilots and I
Three days of our sanity
It was good
But not good enough

she is the black fly
Waiting in My honey
Ruining all that is sweet and exotic
No worries
This hive will thrive
I command and they obey
Don’t you see?
There is no way out
Do you feel those drops of dew
Collecting at the top of your glass jar?
You inside
Me outside
I will gladly cherish these moments
you gulp and choke
On Our sweet and exotic
Homemade nectar

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Mr. Magician

That embrace shuddered my being
Streamed tears down my face
My mind completely lost
Scattered thoughts
I fell victim
To those strong arms
And those sweet tender kisses
I became the prisoner
Knowing I should escape
But yearning to dive deeper inside
Something is amiss
When two bodies
Fit too perfectly together
Is it a trick?
The Love Magician at play
How clever you think you are
Manipulating my feelings
Over actual reality
I won’t lie
I fell
I believed
That temporary, transient moment
Felt so damn good
The thing is
Once the moment is gone
The mind falls back into line
And that feeling stays just a feeling
Because an embrace or a kiss
Is fleeting
While the mind is a never ending abyss
Constantly absorbing
Changing
Growing
You may have fooled me once
Mr. Magician
But I will checkmate you
All I need is one severing move

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Comatose

Comatose
Veins purged
Drudgery emanating from the last euphoric blast
I see you
Beginning to fade
Pain no longer mummified for convenience
This will not save you
Your constant yearning for hallucinations
The Dark Queen
Shrouded in her White façade
Continually beckoning through a silent whistle
Fashioned deviantly to provoke
Your intrinsic agony
So subtle
Her penetration chisels
Moment melding moment
Resulting in a mind malfunction
Eroded over decades
Dreamworld transforms into a deceived reality
Only obtaining subdued relief
In your convoluted past
A mass of uncertainty and frustration
Overwhelms the simplest of tasks
Eyes refusing to look anywhere but down
Gaze your brown
Deep into My blue
Allow your Last Resort
To tow the burden for a few
Enticing and hesitant
Vulnerably you approach uncharted territories
I present an opportunity of promise
An intoxication unlike previous trips
Engaging a path of no return
Trust
Discover
A reviving morphinic sanity
Laced with genuine peace
Draw near
I will elevate you
The Dark Queen will cower in defeated horror
Her deadly whistle will fail to sound
Because
You are not a beast

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Yes, You

I don’t know what is worse
You speaking to me with emptiness
Or you not speaking to me at all
Both are equally as painful
You live
In an untouchable place in my heart
A place I can’t even reach
Not to heal it
Not to remove it
Not even to sedate it
I at least wish to tame it
It burns into all aspects of my life
Like my schizophrenic buddy
My shadow
I’m trying
Ignoring
Disengaging
With everyday new pain emerges
And I find myself
Hating and loving you more
Angry all the time
At you
At myself
I fell too hard
Too fast
How do I cope?
When I’m grasping each breath
Barely warding off suffocation

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Writing to You

Writing to you
The intentional email trade
Trying to correlate the morning and night shifts
The written word in dialogue
With the constant surprise
Of what I might type you next
Or the anticipation building
As I wait for a response
You don’t know this
(or perhaps you might)
But I’m learning patience from you
You allow freedom minus social pressure
Territories uncharted
My own mind exploring
In the midst of absorbing yours
My goal is to bust it open
Carefully
So carefully
You hardly notice me chipping away
I want to hold your mind softly
In the palm of my hands
And just stare at it
Appreciate it
For hours
For days
Stare so long that it makes the both of us
Uncomfortable
I want to watch the blood
Rush to every corner
When you process a new thought
I want to know what happens
When two ideas collide
I want to see where the pain lives
The pain
Hidden delicately in your mind
Safely surrounded by years of savored memories
What keeps you thinking
When your mouth is quiet
When you rub your temples
That spot directly above your shaded glasses
How does it affect the way you see
Or sleep
I’m staring while listening
Waiting
All I want is inside
Not to change your mind
No need
Not a thing do I want to change
Just let me borrow it for a little while
I have discovered an itch in me
A sapiosexual feeling
An interruption in my cosmos
So I ask
Don’t substitute one thought
Story or emotion
Let me sink my teeth into your core
Slowly
Methodically
And find…
That’s just it
What am I looking for?
What will cure this desurn*?

*Asterisk word(s) are found on the glossary page.

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