Breathe In Red

This is your choice
The person you become from here
The crutches you clung to so tightly
Are no longer
Whether you believe it or not
The removal activated because you were/are ready
Prepared in every way accessible
The final test now is how will you choose to survive
To revert is a rejection of your past year’s success
To fight is an attempt at a chance to rise above the torment
But to persevere, to gaze beyond
To never say no
To discover the loopholes
Ultimately, to win
Is the way to thrive
You have grown up
Now grow into the self you always desired
Step up, step out, step into
A dream converted reality

One last time
Wasn’t the first thought on my mind
More of a desire than it ever was a need
You asked in jest:
“Will you miss ping ping?”
I didn’t laugh
I wanted to cry
To simply miss this would be lying
Always yearning
Always hoping
Because for the first time
I didn’t cheat
Not once
Never have I experienced this side of myself
To love someone so purely
So holistically
Aiding you in breathing (in living) became my focus
Instead of taking your breath away with my sexuality
You succeeding is more significant
Than the relationship we built
Although beautiful in its growth
Our futures stand waiting and ready
Because the perception of love is still just a perception
Drive forward B
Drive will win over everything
You know Buk understood this
His little flame he refused to let die
You possess this same ideal
So go
Move
Conquer

Your true character is showing
And it’s ugly
Thick head
Didn’t get your way
So you stomp
Rage
And run away
You ignore
Deceive
Ultimately losing everything
Respect
Credibility
Even empathy
Working so hard to gain
Reverse ground
Because honesty is just too difficult
A weight to up hold
Too bad
So sad

Ms Lady Darkness
Your deadly kiss faltered
For it could not carry
The weight of time
You did not predict the thought
Of Lady Philosophy stopping by
She peeled you a part
She revealed your corners of
Rustic despair
She breathed life into catatonic veins
You no longer have reign
On a being who chooses to uncover
Your lies
Bye Bye
You tried

I paid 10 dollars for a date
Not just any date
My end date
This date ruled my life
I romanticized it
Planned my days upon it
Dreamed about it
This date evolved into my faith
What else was there?
In my mind
My fate was ordered
Until
It wasn’t
The difference
I no longer claim myself
As a host for a death wish
“Write about death
Think about death
Do not become death”
She says
Death, kill the old me
Because I choose a new life
In order to uncover and haunt You
This isn’t a second chance
This is reality
And I’m wide awake

The strong shielded one
A pixie warrior
Never leaving the state of resistance
The more pushing
The harder I break
The faster I fall
That concrete wall
Becoming a replayed scene of desire
Love him
Intrigue him
Hook him
I did as You requested
Pull back
This I found myself unable to do
And the fault line crumbled
Beneath my feet
Some would be devastated
Me
I felt relief
Then You offered a second chance
The instructions
The boundaries
The guidelines
As I accepted I knew I would fail
Again
The question was just: When?
I knew it
You knew it
Because in the end
We are all selfish
Two months
That’s all it took
The big picture escaping my thinking
Always has
I see
As far as next week
No further
A cursed perspective
Maybe I could have seen beyond
At least for his sake
My success benefitting millions
But honestly it was too difficult
I did not act like a warrior
I did not show strength
I preferred out
And I seized it
This task asked of me
And failed twice by me
All bets off
What is left?
The only objective
‘Do not hurt him’
Cheese and rice!
Every cuss word in the book
Cannot prevent this
My mind angered
While my heart throbs in conflict

The distance kills me
Being in the same room
Burns my skin
Distance/too close
Which one is it?
Mixed singles
Heart one way
Mind reeling in the other
The difference from yesterday
Lies in the fact
That I know what the heart is
The heart yearns to ruin
It’s so good at it
Convincing
Wielding
I hate the feelings you produce
I want to deny you
Yet you keep coming around
Nagging me
Distracting me
Ultimately you just piss me off
you dilute the elements of the mind
And I hate you

I hate you
Again I say nag
Literally exhausting my entire creation
Forcing me to feel falsehoods
Honestly all this just leads to
A not so great fuck
That is all you are truly good for
A conquest
Not love
Because love is a lie
Love is the best fucker of all
If you are naïve enough to fall for it
Good luck
Because love will eat you alive
Turning your mind into trash
It doesn’t care about you
It only wants to destroy you

Cloudless days are my favorite
The clear endless blue abyss
Open for discussion
Unlimited opportunity
The world going on forever
A visual now and beyond
However, your clouded presence
Hinders my view
With an effortless hue
At least for a short time
This intrusion will suffice
Not always white
Not always gray
Your formations are captivating
Day after day
My goal
My directive
Is not to allow you to become a replacement
The previous storm cloud was allsumingly horrific
How dark and dependent I felt
Constantly searching for one ray of sunlight
Just a small sense of blue
Always a tiny bit out of reach
Then in one toranic blast
The heavy pressure loomed elsewhere
And I was left with the after affects
The rubble and the clean up
The moment the last piece of debris was discarded
You collected in my peripheral vision
Close enough for me to notice
Far enough for me not to move away
Intrigue gaining in you cumulus form
Still dark but not creating harm
Pain stricken but not producing destruction
Innocence possessed but not innocent
This accumulation is quite an odd occurrence
Similar to the clouded essence
I feel within
These elements require extensive exploration
The contact is rare and hazardous
Forcing feeling will cause dissipation
An ungraspable ideal
The potential to teach
The potential to learn
Fuck this up now
And all will return

My experiences
Even though somewhat sheltered
Far outrange yours

Slap me
Open palm to the side of my face
Go ahead
One unprotected freebie
No wait
Take all five fingers
Preferably your dominant hand
Ball them up in a fist like fashion
Wind back
Arm and fist together now
And punch me
As hard as you can
I would go for the side of my face
The objective is to hurt me
Not you

I’m dumbfounded
How could I even think to compare
My short-lived life
To your full embodied lengthy one

My face hurts

What if the ones closest to us
Are the Devil’s witches?
The very trust we hold dear
Built on a foundation of sand
And it is finally starting to rain
you see
Faithful
Insightful
Dependable
I see
A usurper
An oppressor
A clever little leech
Upon the first meeting
her eyes locked into mine
she sat comfortably suckling
Every ounce of life out of you
A scene not easily forgotten
I ushered in change
Instantly inducing her hatred
I laughed
The beginning only just begun

As I fell
(By my own stupidity)
I felt her watching
Chanting her praise
As I writhed in pain
she rejoiced
Deeming me seized
Then the unexpected second chance arrived
Swooping in
she engaged a deadly counterattack
Costing my copilots and I
Three days of our sanity
It was good
But not good enough

she is the black fly
Waiting in My honey
Ruining all that is sweet and exotic
No worries
This hive will thrive
I command and they obey
Don’t you see?
There is no way out
Do you feel those drops of dew
Collecting at the top of your glass jar?
You inside
Me outside
I will gladly cherish these moments
you gulp and choke
On Our sweet and exotic
Homemade nectar